Where are you from?
I’d tell you but I’d make a mistake – my country has changed names twice since I was born!
Why are you here?
Vlad: Everyone says the West is great… turns out, it’s just like back home.
Are you and your dirty immigrant friends planning to stay?
Vlad: No! Don’t worry, Albania is way better.
How have you contributed to the society while being here?
Vlad: By doing the work you don’t want to because you’re lazy.
What do you think of our prime minister?
Vlad: He’s a top cunt!
If you want the longer version of these answers, come to the show or ask for my number from the Home Office.
Alternatively, you can contact Priti Patel.